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When I was younger, I used to get these bouts of hypomania that were the greatest possible high I could ever experience. In the past 7 years, I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt it, and exhausted every possibility available to me in order to get it back

I'm addicted to a drug I have no way of getting, and the withdrawl doesn't dull with time. Every moment is waking agony and if I didn't have a family I need to take care of I would have ended it all years ago. At this point, feeling that heaven ever again is a lost cause and not worth pursuing. Is there any way I can silence this yearning, and maybe make up for even a tiny fraction of the life its stolen from me?