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Am I ever gonna get up from this?
I always loved animals. Ever since I was a child. Watched the documentary slop all day because my parents had to work and that was way before I got into social media. I got overly attached to the fluffy ones but only desperate street ones answered to my affection in a similar way. Now as an adult I realize why is that. My first ever interaction with cats didn't like me much. You know the usual tail pull and petting kids do. They escaped even to the point of being hurt outside. Dogs were tame but I was just a toying with them still at that point. I was not ready to raise them so we split up our lives carelessly. My family then decided to try for the decorative pets for me like fishes and rodents to teach me lessons in life. Funnily enough that's when the financial crash in our place happened. People started hating on each other, money got meaningless, sacrifices had to be made. We had to give away our small friends because we could not afford to develop allergies for the reason of me being scared to clean poop, go to the vet and stuff. At that time I did the unthinkable I am still reflecting on this as a trauma that scarred me and I really wish it was not my fault. Once my first ever guinea piggie was walking on the parquet floor and I noticed he was struggling to move much because it had minimal friction. For some reason I decided to move him like a hotwheels car a bit for help. That's how I lost them. Their heart could not handle it. All the times before the incident I hugged him and even fell asleep with him didn't taught me how to react. It was just the another burden. My grandma was the main caretaker for me at that time and asked me what I did and i tried to hide in the wardrobes but the horror happened already in a towel and that's how he was buried. I am sorry little JR, I am not ready for the world, for the reality. I don't deserve anything.