>cook steak
>it's underdone
>by the time I've heated the pan up and cooked the steak my potato and vegies are cold

>>21973535
>making quesadilla
>tortilla sticks to pan when I try to flip it
>quesadilla opens when I get it unstuck, spills its contents all over the pan, turning everything into a burnt mess
That was almost enough to make me give up on cooking permanently

>>21973535
Passed out making a Jacks pizza once.
Girlfriend woke me up screaming.
I was sleeping on the kitchen floor.
Pizza looked like a hockey puck and the house was full of smoke.

>Wanted a legit grilled burger a few weeks ago
>Got the charcoal going
>Go back in until the fire dies down and the charcoal ashes over
>Fall asleep in recliner
>Wake up to ice cold grill
>No more charcoal

I didn't even have the gumption to drive half an hour to get more. I just had a bowl of cereal

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>pour melted butter instead of softened into recipe with raw eggs
>it slightly cooks the eggs and now everything tastes eggy

>>21973582
Kek, I did this with microwavable burritos.

>>21973610
classic

>>21973582
Reminds me of when I got drunk making chicken stock, passed out and it burned. My roommate's gf sampled some before it burned and said it was the best stock ever, but she didn't think to shut it off.

>be a kid
>home alone with older brother
>parents super strict
>don't let us use the stove to cook anything while they're out of the house
>we were also not allowed to play videogames unless we asked first
>devilpepe.jpg
>brother says he's gonna cook some food
>i'm in the room playing the ps1
>hear the key turn in the front door
>PANICMODE.EXE
>i panic and don't even turn the game off, i just run into my parents room...then run back into our room, then run back into my parents room because i don't know what the fuck to do
>brother gets caught because he's in the kitchen making pancakes
>mom yells at us and we get in trouble
>sends us to our room
>ask my brother what he did with the pancakes
>says he threw them under the couch
>bust out laughing
>get in even more trouble when my mom hears us laughing

>>21973610
The heat of the butter cooks the egg.

>>21973582
My ex-wife used this in divorce court. Although I was passed out on the couch. Nobody gave a shit because I'm half deaf and my oven timer was really quiet.

>piece of shit fire alarm goes off all the time, for no fucking reason, even though there's fucking nothing cooking
>I know it's not a gas leak because I'm not dead yet, nor have I lost enough IQ points
>replace the batteries with brand new ones
>still the same shit
>just removed the batteries altogether
>bliss

>>21973535
are you literally every week in my uni dorm? I stg people would trigger the fire alarm at like 2am the day before exams just to fuck with me

>>21973582
I did this one time when I was frying eggs and sausage while blacked out.

>>21973751
Your parents sound like dumb cunts

>>21973563
I feel you

>>21973582
I feel asleep making Mac n cheese
All the water was gone and it was just blackened noodles, had to throw the pot out

>>21973535
Melty cheese getting on things I can't eat it off of

>draining pot of pasta using pot lid
>some pasta falls out in the sink
>disappointed by my failure
>still do the same thing next time

>>21973584
>tfw no grilled burger, no charcoal, and no gumption

>>21973535
*Failures. Not 'fails'.

Fucking retard zoomers of the internet age.

>>21975056
epic fail of a post

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>>21975056

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>>21975079
>256x256
>.png
???

>>21976648
how fucking old are you, grandpa

>>21975056
congratulations on waking up from your coma

>>21975331
demons when they encounter beauty:

>>21973535
>making mac and cheese while drunk
>pass out
>wake up to smoke alarm
this has happened more than twice

>>21975033
Bottom of a plate instead of the heavy and awkward lid my guy. Your life is now changed forever.

>>21976703
>heavy and awkward lid
lids are lighter than plates and have handles

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>>21975033
strainer lid.

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Imagine how this guy felt.

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>>21973535
>trying to smoke picrel in my room one night in high school (I did it once before and it was alright)
>bite off the end like I'm cutting a cigar and light the other end while trying to suck through the thing
>can't draw a drag through them this time though
>dump a bunch in the bottom of a stainless steel water bottle and drop in some burning printer paper
>manage to take a rip
>smoke detector starts going off.
>pull it down and take the battery out
>panic and turn on the ceiling fan, open the windows and start fanning the curtains trying to clear the air
>no-one wakes up, turns out I broke the plastic tabs that hold the detector to the plastic plate screwed into the ceiling

>>21974007
>>21974011
for the past week there has been a fire alarm going off constantly from somewhere in the apartments across the street
i've called the managemtn, no response
i've called the city, no one cares
i'm losing my shit, wearing earplugs 24/7
i cant' fucking focus at all
beeep beeep beeep ... beeep beeep beeep ...
i could see how how someone with horrible tinnitus might off themselves

>>21974007
>nor have I lost enough IQ points
well...

>try to flip egg
>tear yolk
happens like 1 in 100 times for me now but still causes the same seething impotent rage that makes me want to throw my pan at my window

>>21973535
Two that happened recently
>1. Making eggs, pan is the exact size of omelette I want so fill it up and get them going
>Try to flip it and it's completely stuck to the bottom
>End up tearing it apart trying to get it out so it's basically scrambled eggs instead'
>2. Making Custard. Leave it a little too long and it ends up grainy with a faint eggy taste

>>21973535
a tale from when I was young and lazy;
>get home from school
>hungry because fat and school lunch was at 10:30
>also poor btw
>break a pack of nissan ramen into 4s
>open and pour noodles into microwave bowl
>bowl is a plastic container that had premade mac and cheese in it that you could cook in the microwave
>had many of them because. again. poor.
>forget to pour water into bowl
>throw into microwave and put on 4m
>come go put away backpack and change out of school (nice) clothes
>come back to microwave smoking and beeping
>noodles burnt and bowl melting
>house smells like burnt plastic
>mom comes stomping out of her room yelling and screaming
>hits me
>I go to my room hungry

Still think about how retarded and poor I was growing up

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>order my two large Blizzards from Dairy Queen
>the Indian guy delivers them to the wrong place
>can't re-order because it was a late night shame order and now DQ is closed

>>21977729
If you used something like grubhub door dash or uber eats, just complain and you'll usually get your money back or as a credit. But also complain about the indian and they might fire him, two bird one stone and all.

>>21977731
it's not about that I always get a refund, it's about my two blizzards sitting in some unknown location unconsumed.

>buy a bunch of food at grocery store
>man can't wait to cook whatever the fuck it is I'm planning
>look at the sushi guy
>he looks at me
>walk over
>he pulls out the salmon deluxe he was keeping behind the counter
>also the salmon nigiri
>and salmon roll
>gracias
>de nada
>eat grocery store salmon sushi all night

>>21973535
>Frosting a cake
>The kitchen is too warm so the cakes layers/icing start slipping/sliding off and won't stay center making it diabetic Leaning Tower of Pisa
>Or the cake/frosting is too cool and won't spread easily and start tearing up the cake layers as you try and spread making everything crumb-y
WHY CAN'T IT EVER BE EASY LIKE ON MY BAKING YOUTUBE VIDEOS?

>>21977891
>WHY CAN'T IT EVER BE EASY LIKE ON MY BAKING YOUTUBE VIDEOS?
What you don't see is the multiple takes and years of practice.

>>21976689
>beauty
If looking like a prematurely born fetus being electrocuted to death in a baby-sized electric chair is beauty then sure yeah

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KEK get rekt, faggot

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This happened last night after adding hot Hungarian salami. Girlfriend laughed for 2 full minutes. Had a back up and more salami, so wasn't a complete tragedy

>>21979018
I'm so sorry Anon. At least it slogh off on your bare skin and give you 2nd-degree burns.

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>put food in pan
>realize I forgot to buy something

>>21973535
>cooking
>my embarrassment of a father comes into the 2 square meter kitchen (taking up half of it) and starts talking about retarded nonsense and keeps talking until I let him
>starts eating something, making boar-like noises as he chews
>fuck shit up constantly cause I cant split my attention in 3 directions while also listening to his retarded spiel

>overcooked onions until they started to caramellize
>forget to set a timer for a meat and have to guess how much time theres left
>grate way too much cheese
I fucking hate this prick

>>21979018
Deserved for not using a tray or a plate to eat your food off of you fucking animal

>>21973535
Made sausage gravy yesterday and it was too runny

>>21979649
Dindins is that you?

>>21977471
Put a lid on the pan.

>>21973535
Worked as chef for a company that produced pre-fab school lunch components. Military-style large batch cooking and production line stuff. My boss forced me to cater a fancy event. I'm no slouch, but was definitely out of my wheelhouse. Eggplant rolatti turned out fucking awful, and a batch of garlic parmesan rosemary savory cookies that crumbled to dust at a mere touch. My boss made me put them out anyway.

Some successes, also though. I discovered bacon-wrapped dates are always a crowd pleaser. Some other stuff, too. blah blah blah

>>21978678
>admitting to using the report button because you were too butthurt to handle the bantz
nice self own

>wanted to make mayonnaise with my new fancy stick blender
>was after coming home from work, v tired
>made it
>it's runny and weird
>figured I'd fucked something up and threw it out in case whatever I did could make it unsafe, cleaned up everything, ate whatever dinner it was I was gonna have but with no fresh mayo
>was lying in bed trying to sleep when my brain asked myself if I'd forgot to put the eggs in it
>immediately get up, realise all 12 eggs still in the box, get annoyed at myself, have to go to sleep angry at stupidity and wasting the other ingredients
I made it once at some point after then never bothered again.

>>21979392
I once had to have a sour cream + meat + white rice only burrito because when I went to buy the meat, sour cream & wraps I had incorrectly thought I had tomato, cheese, onion. the amount of spice I used wasn't enough either and most of it didn't stick to the meat it stayed in the meat juice. it tasted like how black people think white people deliberately make food. I almost cried.

>>21977174
You just know everyone told this old cunt white boomer what would happen and he told them to fuck off. Probably his wife recording it to make fun of him for the rest of their lives. I don't understand why he thought surrounding it with burning wood for long enough to turn the wood to ashes wouldn't do the same to the meat.