"get out of my house!"

That's my purse! I don't know you!

>CUPCAKES FOR EVERYONE OH BABY

>CHEEKI BREEKI!

DOOR STUCK

>>64829443
>“ch ch ch…ah ah ah”

I'll be on the phone with 911 setting up a slam dunk court case
>Stop kicking the door
>you're scaring me
>I don't wanna do this
>I think he has a gun
>blammo

>>64829469
>I think he has a gun
> I think
Don’t say this

>>64829470
you are right, he should say
>I DONT CARE THAT YOU ARE RUNNING AWAY FROM ME, I AM SHOOTING YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE BLACK

>>64829465
i like this

>>64829481
kek

>>64829481
kek

Garbage day!

>>64829443
“I’m already through all 11 chapters of bankruptcy, I don’t plan on reading that shit again”

>>64829443
"s o o P R I S E , m u d d u h F U K K U H ! ! ! ,
K E R B L O O E Y !! !! !!"

>>64829451
Piggybacking
>GET OUT OF MY HOUSE
>IT'S TIME TO CROSS OVER

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>>64829443
"No way fag"

>>64829443
"Fuck ya
mudda"

>>64829443
>"Wrong house fuckass... I mean ass fuck, I mean fuckermother... shit."

"ETERNAL MAGEKYO SHOTGUN NO JUTSU"

>>64829443
>I'm gonna tell everyone you sucked my dick

>>64829443
"Surprise, cock-fags!"

BOOM HEADSHOT

>>64829669
Based

>>64829443
"yeah"

CONSENT IS IMPLIED THROUGH ENTRY

>Break yo'self!

>>64829443
>looks like you bit off more than you could chew *BANG*

>>64829443
>You come into my house, suck MY dick, call ME gay!

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>ctrl+f
>no shoop da whoop
>no imma chargin mah lazor
>no imma firin mah lazor

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>>64829443

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>>64829734
You DARE bring light to my lair? YOU MUST DIE!

YOUR BEING PROMOTED
FROM HOME INVADER
TO MISSING PERSON

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>>64829443
SNIBBETY SNIBBET XDDDD

>>64829745
I can't wait to bomb some dodongos!

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>>64829454

Knock Knock Motherfucker it's about to get fucking crazy in this neighborhood

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yooo this summer's gonna be lit

>>64829451
MAH BOI AINT MUCH BUT HE'S ALL AHVE GAAAWT

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>>64829806
Great! I'll grab my stuff!

TURN THAT SHIT DOWN.


PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISS.

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AAIIIIIRRRRRRR

>>64829443
YOU'RE INSISTIN' ON A FISTIN'

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>>64829443
>Give me the fucking keys, you fucking cocksucker, motherfucker aragaha!!

>>64829451
But I don't know where I am.
Where is my destination?

>>64829618
>images you can hear

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>>64829443
>WANNA FUCK?

>ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY

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"Hello."

>>64829443
>3 am
>I'm in bed and too lazy to open the safe.
>I'll take the first gun and ammunition that's at hand.
>Springfield Trapdoor + my own made .45-70 with 500grs lead bullet...
>On the way to confrontation I'm still able to take a cowboy hat.
>I aim at the central mass of the shadowy figure with a rifle in one hand... I hold my cat in my other hand.

"I'll just whistle Dixie land briefly" *BLAM!*

6 7

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>>64830014

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>>64829443

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uWu

>>64829443
amboutacum

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>>64829734

>>64829443
Being British
>Yew got a loicense fo dat here breakin and entahing

>>64829454
Power move of cross dressing while killing your burglar.

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>>64829443
You done fucked up now!

>>64829458
Get out of here Stalker

>>64829481
Based Fetterman posting on K.

>>64829928
I know EXACTLY what greentext that's from, came here to post it but I didn't fucking save it, fml
My second choice is "CLEAR BACKBLAST"

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>>64829928
Popsicles! What an epic greentext.

ACK! CALL AN AMBULANCE.... BUT NOT FOR ME!

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>>64829734

Throw my phone down the stairs playing https://youtu.be/V7dg8vRDM68?si=QpBoOvC3gR8xnmhk

>wolololololol
>WOLOLOLOLOLOLO

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>>64829841

>>64829443
"AuuuuooooaaaagggAAAAGGGHHHHHHH."

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>>64829443
NO U

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>>64830844

ICED

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>>64829443
>Now that’s what I call a sticky situation
>Studio laughter
>Roll credits

>>64829443
>[incoherent, loud cursing]
>[gunshots]
>FUCK YOU!

>>64829443
I wouldn't say anything. I would listen. Which is what No-One did.

>>64829714
with the crazy eyes and mouth clicks too

>>64829470
Why not?

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>DON'T TAZE ME BRO!
>Make pained sounds as I hammer on the trigger

>>64829443
Xbox, clip that.

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>>64829443

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IT'S AWWWWWRIGHT!

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>>64829443

>>64829858
Let me tell you about a porcupines balls, they're small and they don't give a SHIT

>>64829657
kek

>>64829443
>I'MINFEARFORMYLIFESTOPORI'LLSHOOT
>BLAM
And then I grab his EBT card while saying something funny about how that made me want a Slurpee®

from two personal experiences
>WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!
>CRAWL BACK OUT NIGGER.

>>64829564
>No way hag
would be funnier.

>>64829443
cazzata malanga!

>>64829443
He's dead Jim

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>MOJA PUSCHKA SE NIKOG NE BOJE

"I'M GONNA FILL YOUR HOLES MOTHERFUCKER"
I sleep butt naked

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>>64829443
I'm gonna rape your corpse

>>64829443
"English or Spanish? Whoever moves first is gay"

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>>64829443
MASTER SPARK

"NIIIIIIGGGGEERRRRR"

This... is my BOOMSTICK.

>>64832222
Digits demand storytime

>>64829443
Leeroy Jenkins!

>>64830211
Honestly, this is the best way to counter the scary black rifle argument the prosecution will use. Can't convict a brave, noble tyranny for protecting xemselves

AMNNNHH

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>>64830289
>>64829928
Here you go anon. Best greentext.

>>64833249
God bless, Strelok. A fine addition to my collection.

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>>64829443

>>64832519
not much of a story, been at the same place 1st floor apartment in Chicago, not far from a worse neighborhood.
first one was someone trying to get into my apartment in the middle of the day. It was either some drunktard who ended up at the wrong door, or someone was trying to pick my lock open.
i pulled out my 88, and yelled "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!" and then the noise stopped. a minute later I looked outside, saw nothing

2nd one was my day off work, and i wake up to noises from the kitchen. i grab my snub nose and step outside. i see a young black guy halfway through the kitchen window knocking over shit on the counter trying to get in.
I raise my s&w, and in the most calm yet affirmative way say "crawl back out, nigger." with a very hard r and a very large smile on my face.
He slid back out as he kept saying "sorry sorry" I followed him out via the backdoor. Only saw glimpse of him and his spotter buddy jump the fence.
i had never been more steadfast about anything since. It took me nearly 2 hours to calm my nerves.
This would have been the last thing he heard, dipshit was 1 wrong move away from a dindu nothing parade.

>>64829443
Tally ho lads!

SUCK MY DICK AND MY NUTS TOO

>I'M DRUNK, HORNEY AND GOING TO POUND TOWN

>>64829443
>I wouldn't say a single word to them. I'd listen to what they had to say.
And that's what no one did.

>>64835098
>FUCK YOU, I'M TAKING YOU ALL TO ANAL TOWN

>>64829443
Probably just the gunshot. I'm not going to give him time to shoot me while trying to be funny.

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>>64829443

Omae wa mou shindeiru

Are you threatening me with a good time?

Or

America’s funniest home videos theme song

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>>64829443
>*scoobi doo laugh*

>>64829443
>BANG
>YOURE BLEEDING BECAUSE YOU DONT FLOSS

>>64835414
I don't think people itt are actually being that serious anon. And if I ever actually did want to "say" something for a situation like that, it'd be something I'd prerecorded and then had a button on my gun so I could trigger it from a speaker in a different direction from the house door to where I'd be shooting from.

>>64835495
>NECK HURTS

>You hear that rushing in your ears? Sounds like rapids, don't it?

>>64835594
>it'd be something I'd prerecorded and then had a button on my gun so I could trigger it from a speaker in a different direction from the house door to where I'd be shooting from.
This but king assripper at 120dB

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>/advert mug drop 1k or die/pulling out gun is KOS/running is fail rp

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>hey Alexa, order a new shower curtain and cancel all my appointments tomorrow

>>64835134
Gross, they shit thenselves when they die.
>I'M PUTTING MY PECKER IN THE SLUG HOLE.

>>64829669
this

https://youtube.com/shorts/EyCEvchUd4Y?si=PhxKFdKmXwfUMW0B

>>64835594
>>64835606
all joking aside honestly some of these phrases could be a legit good distraction and buy you a crucial few seconds in certain cases.

>>64829443
I think yelling "69" would buy you a second or two of valuable time

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BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS

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>>64829443

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>>64830828
I can hear this gif.

>>64835084
PAPA SMURF CAN AH LICK YO' ASS?

My plan has always been to have no plan and emit feral screeching and the most insane of babbling thoughts.
Kind of like how if anyone tries to fight me I'm just going to rip my pants and underwear off and start doing the wildboy.
You really want to risk a face full of sweaty balls?

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>>64836092
Fucking deep cut, holy shit

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>>64829443
>What's the most you ever lost on a coin toss?
>Friendo

>>64829443
>Welcome to the rice fields, motherfucker!
First thing that came to my mind and I don't even watch Frank.

>>64830705
It's been 15 years. Fucking hell...

>>64834241
>I raise my s&w, and in the most calm yet affirmative way say "crawl back out, nigger." with a very hard r and a very large smile on my face.
lmao
But seriously tough, you should move out.

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>>64829443
>Hello, and welcome to our "range" today, please bear with any sounds of gunfire you may hear in the background.
>Today we will be answering a question I've gotten from a few viewers of:
>How well does Winchester white box,12 gauge, two and three quarter inch, double ought buck, NINE pellet work to to stop home intruders in citizen involved self defense situations.
>Now before we get further in, I need
*Shatneresque pause*
>To give a long explanation with some sparse details about the previous citizen involved shooting of which I was a part, and later exonerated, to let you know that I do know what I'm talking about and other people in this form of media may present themselves to be experts in this field without similar experience levels and that you need to be the judge.
>With that out of the way, id like too give a couple of caveats and yeah-buts, if you'd like to fast forward, skip to the part of the video where I use my bare hands to crack open the intruders rib cage like a watermelon and count out each pellet that embeded and did not need to be caught by the new and improved high tech fleece bullet stop.
>Now on to the shooting portion of the video
>I have the home intruder immobilized with my ancient magical Chinese killing intent at 3 yards, with a chronograph set up on a table between me and him at one and a half yards.
>Due too the short range of this test, the chronograph may not read each shot, so in such an event I will fire an extra shot to make up for it, or if as shot sounds quieter, even though the camera doesn't pick it up,
*Shatneresque pause*
>I'll shoot again to make sure we are getting consistent results.
>The firearm we will be using is my Winchester, model 1897 pump action shotgun in caliber 12 gauge, with a 20 inch barrel with a cylinder bore...

>>64829443
YABBA DABBA DOO

>Yippie Ki Yay, Melon Farmer

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>>64829443
>COWABUNGA IT IS!

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>>64835593

>>64836479
>"Remind yourself that overconfidence is a slow and insidious killer."
>'Cept this kill's gonna be anything but.
BLAM

alternatively,
>"How quickly the tide turns!"

>>64829443
'Looks like meat's back on the menu boys!'
I need to get some groceries man, I've been eating nothing but half expired snacks and old soup for like a week now.

>>64829470
this is better than saying he has a gun, you don't have to plant one on him

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>>64829443
I get a megaphone and start narrating what's about to happen in the voice that all of those bodycam channels use.

>Though Javontrey Trevoniyus Jackson felt he had the upper hand after seeing nothing but Sonic the Hedgehog and Fairly Oddparents memorabilia in the living room, he was about to find out that the homeowner was carrying the first man portable Bofors 40mm autocannon registered in the state of New Mexico

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>>64836508
>"How quickly the tide turns!"
That's a genuinely good one, quick and easy, darkly amusing and perfectly fits the scenario.

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>>64829443
AAAAAAHHHH

>>64836602
if only I was the kind of "cool under pressure" guy that could actually deliver that line in that situation and wouldn't just end up clenching my jaw shut until ShiThead Jaquarious stopped twitching. alas. sucks, too, I really like that line and use it every now and then.
>>64836570
fuckin' Fairly Oddparents, goddamn. dunno if I should be impressed or terrified.

*moans loudly* YOUR MOVE, MR. LAWMAN

Cool Vibrations

>>64829443
I DID IT ALL FOR THE NOOKIE

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>Intruder enters house.
>Without hesitation with my KS7 in hand I scream "HEY PAUL!" and blast'em.
BLAM
>And then proceed with follow up shots to his downed body and scraming.
>"TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW!"
BLAM
>"YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD!"
BLAM
>'YOU!"
BLAM
>"FUCKING!"
BLAM
>"BASTARD!"
BLAM
BLAM

>A door is a hinged or otherwise movable barrier that allows ingress (entry) into and egress (exit) from an enclosure. The created opening in the wall is a doorway or portal. A door's essential and primary purpose is to provide security by controlling access to the doorway (portal). Conventionally, it is a panel that fits into the doorway of a building, room, or vehicle. Doors are generally made of a material suited to the door's task. They are commonly attached by hinges, but can move by other means, such as slides or counterbalancing.
And then they get shot to prove the reasoning behind having a door.

>>64829901
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMpWkmqfOjY

Anyone have the copy pasta of that anon who was eating popsicles in his underwear and had some Mexicans go on his property so he went out to confront them and was trying to think about what he was going to say, melded the two statements into “wanna fuck?” And had them book it as a result.

>>64838773
Right up here fren
>>64833249

>>64829443
I actually had someone kick in my back door 4 years ago.
All I said was yell "GET THE FUCK OUT!".
Wasn't thinking about anything other than if I was gonna have to shoot this bitch.

>>64829443
ALEXA PLAY WONDERWALL

>GIRUGAMESH

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>I SENSE YOU, JEDI

>>64829454
and then shoot him or her in the dick

>>64838983
kek

>>64829443
>"IMMA FAHRIN MA LAZAAAR!!!!"

>>64834241
well done anon
now please get yourself to a better neighborhood

>>64829443
>SACA LAS CHI CHI'S PERRA

Its spanish for "pull out them tits bitch!"

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>>64834241
>dindu nothing parade
Fuck my sides

God damn it now I have to pay for heavy trash pickup.

>>64829928
fuckin kek
I came to this thread to post this exact greentext

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I'd go with a boomer classic:
>Go ahead, make my day.