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This is retarded
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DUGWAY, UTAH--The head of the US Air Force's Retarded Bomb program is warning that there is a real danger of missing deadlines if his budget for this promising air-to-ground system is not restored by the end of the fiscal year.
"I need all of the prototype labs back to full production by the end of this month," Major General Curtis Veeblefetzer said at Tuesday's press conference at Dugway Proving Ground. "Otherwise we will start to see some delays and at this point that would just be retarded."
In development since the late 1980s, the HERPADERP bomb:
Highly Energetic Rigid Penetrator Armor Defeating Encephalic Reduction Projectile
...is not only retarded by a parachute deployed after launch, but also causes people upon whom it is dropped to become retarded as well, usually immediately before it kills them.
"It's designed to create a shockwave that just clobbers the living fuck out of the human brain," says defense analyst Professor Pavel Potrzebie. "If they survive, it's coloring books for Christmas. You see, it was originally proposed in 1985 in response to a request for new strategies to reduce and degrade Soviet intelligence capabilities. And at the time it was believed that the best way to reduce their intelligence was to drop a big fucking bomb on them, hopefully causing cerebral hemorrhage or even death."
The US Navy is, in partnership with NATO and ANZUS allies, is developing the joint version, J-HERPADERP, for a maritime strike role. They're also developing a standoff launch platform, STAHP-IT:
Standoff Tactical Aircraft/Helicopter Projectile - International Thrower.
"We believe that J-HERPADERP/STAHP-IT will be key to our maritime strike tactics in the near future," said program chief Rear Admiral Henry Gloval. "Even if we don't sink their boats we're sure as hell gonna ring their chimes."