If you went to the psych ward, and the doctor advised you stop taking estrogen, and date other men while letting yourself act really fruity, would you do it?
>>43742482 >Have you ever gone to a psych ward? If so, what was it like?
been three times. It was horrible because I was in psychosis the entire time. Eventually I learned to manage the voices. Still hear them every day but I am able to ignore them.
Unironically anti-psychotics nearly fucking killed me holy shit they are evil and I get why schizos never take them.
Should I move out? My job isn't exactly stable, I don't earn much (i'm a wagie college student) and I think it's probably a horrible idea to depend on it with rent and stuff being crazy high, plus I can be fired any second. But at the same time, I'm genuinely going fucking insane and I don't know how much longer I can keep repping, and I can't troon out while living with my parents. They have no concept of privacy and love to keep tabs on me at all times, where I went, who I'm around, etc. The point is I wouldn't be able to keep it secret for long. wtf do i do
>>43742482 >>QOTT: Have you ever gone to a psych ward? If so, what was it like?
yea i kept tryin to kill myself as a teenager so i went 3x. i dont remember them all very visibly cuz i was always chockfull of drugs but i met someone who had DID and would black out and break their own arms and their arms looked like they had been mauled to death by a tiger. another girl was a manic depressive type 2 assumedly and if you asked her to count anything she HAD to finish counting and she kept getting bootyjuiced cuz if she was being annoying wed just ask her how many clothes she had at home and if the staff tried to stop her from counting she would get violent. there was another guy who took a bunch of LSD and burned down his familys home. i was getting beat the fuck up every day and at no point in my teenage years was i ever over BMI 15 (not on purpose) so of course i kept tryin to die. tbf once i was in the looney bin i started thinkin like damn things arent THAT bad
I believed a naive lie thinking the meme waitlist wouldnt be a meme, it ended up being a 1-2 year long waitlist. Getting therapy to get over my irrational fear of needles then doing DIY, I already have a vial just cant get myself to do it I tweak out too hard over the needle
>>43742817 The fear of needles not allowing me to inject? Its due to being forcefully injected in my arms and feet multiple times as a kid and now I just freak out. Also I am not happy
>>43742498 even if I take it, and even if a miracle happens and I magically transform into my perfect self fully formed the day after, all of the wasted years up to that point I can never get back and I don't know how to deal with that
>>43742482 >QOTT: Have you ever gone to a psych ward? If so, what was it like? Got forcibly sent to the psych ward for my alcoholism and self harm scars when I was a teenager. It didn't help one bit and I ended up worse afterwards, whole week and 10000 dollars down the drain.
>>43742482 >Have you ever gone to a psych ward? If so, what was it like? no cause i always keep everything to myself and i cant be taken there if people dont know something is wrong with me in the first place
>>43742796 I know this is like, a mental block and not a physical one, but something that helped me is knowing that nerves have a limited bandwidth. I always dig my nails into the skin I'm holding when I inject, so I don't even feel the needle go in at all. Of course, that's more of a pain management thing, and less of a "getting over the initial fear response" thing, but I hope that helps somewhat <3
>>43742482 so what are the practices can we get a preference in 'meeting the goddess' because of anima possession agp crap whatever you guys don't know shit
>>43746052 I might try subq next because I remember getting a vaccine that I did not feel at all and I remember the nurse grabbing a bit of skin before injecting so I'm assuming that was subq
Thinking about buying a bunch of fem clothes so I can wear them and see how awful I look and maybe I can get the desire out of my system for a few months. Worth it?
>>43742482 yeah i have been once. kinda sucked. >>43742499 antipsychotics are just makijg you numb stressed and fuck up metabolism. poison. smoking somewhat counteracts it.
>>43742796 I got through my official waitlist in a few months but freaked out and didn't attend. When I applied again a year later while DIYing it was five years before I withdrew myself from it. Thinking back, it would've been really embarrassing to go through an official transition only to desist sometime afterwards. Thankfully I couldn't change my name due to solicitors refusing to sign off on it unless the name was masculine too. It'd be so embarrassing having to ask so many people to change it back.
>>43747504 I got through a waiting list quickly, but chickened out. I applied again shortly after and it was five years before I withdrew my application, because no progress was made. I'm thankful I never made it through the waiting list because had I transitioned "officially" and changed my documentation it would have been embarrassing to later ask for it to be reverted when I gave up on transitioning
Yeah I've been to the psych ward four times. The first was after a drug-induced psychosis (weed). I was there for a week. The second time was a relapse into psychosis one year later. It lasted about two weeks. I then started having non-epileptic seizures while on the antipsychotic Olanzipine, that got more severe and frequent every timely dose was upped. I attempted suicide and was sent to the psych ward after getting my stomach pumped. I was there for a month and a half. I was alright for three years, but then I relapsed at the beginning of 2024. I was in the psych ward for two months.
The most recent visit was by far the worst. I was incredibly unwell. Was delusional/hallucinatory for a much longer time. I was put on Rispiridone but it gave me terrible akithisia (a sense of inner restlessness/anxiety - it's like hell), switched to Aripriprazole but that didn't help, and then finally switched back to Olanzipine and this time it seems to be doing the trick. No more akithisia, no more delusions/hallucinations. Really the only symptom left is intrusive thought (still pretty bad but much better than the other symptoms combined). Let's hope it doesn't happen again.
>>43743871 for trvetrans repper, just someone that is very quiet, meek, lonely shut-in, drinks a lot but never in public, asexual (but secretly attracted to men) and happens to have a huge bricky body
>I have genuinely unpassable, masculinized face (brow bone, jaw, midface and jewish fucking looking nose) >broad, masculine AF shoulders (could probably have success if I decided to be gymrepper) >Voice that many people commented on being boomy, loud and low >I literally look my most mannish man father
Passing is not an option and fighting my own body is like mopping the rain
Idc if I have friends or a partner that would be tolerant (my gf noticed my experimentation with gender expression and said she would love me no matter what I am, even said I would look cute/hot with tits)
It all doesnt fucking matter since Im never gonna see myself as woman, only a deformed male.
I've chickened out of talking with my therapist about it, and thats probably a good thing
I wish I've never found about femboys at 16, maybe I would've suffer without knowing what it is, and it would make repping easier
>>43749344 >maybe I would've suffer without knowing what it is Everyone knows about fags/trannys anon. Even the legit straight right wingers know about it, they just angry.
>>43749351 Even at the time I wished I was a femboy when I was a teen, it still never occured to me that I could ever consider myself trans, I literally rejected that notion, the trans shit came up recently, like 2-3 tears ago, which comes in waves. Even before femboy stuff I knew about fags and trannys, and the sole knowledge about them didn't make me question anything.
If I was never exposed to any crossdressing or tranny bullshit I wouldn't ever think twice I could be one
>>43749275 >>43749329 same. though one time i got pressured into drinking a shitty beer by my stepdad like 2 years ago, took a sip and it tasted like piss. never drinking again nor letting anyone pressure me into doing this shit ever again
does adding cream liquor to the coffee in the morning count as drinking alcohol? i refuse to add any other spirit excepts maybe amaretto cus its sweet but everything else sucks major ass
>>43749344 What's the point in not taking it? If you are as mannish as you say you are, you can just stop if you don't like it. Yeah, maybe you have some breast tissue growth, but if if you don't do prog, it's nothing that can't be hidden. If you think it even has a remote possibility of making you happier, you should do it.
>>43750315 >Yeah, maybe you have some breast tissue growth, Not that anon but I only took HRT for like 6 months before people IRL started questioning me about it.
>>43749275 you think you are better than us, huh?! stop being a damn ugly faggot for once, man up and consume the Product! >>43749329 kinda as pleasant as drinking gasoline and getting enjoyment from the brain cells blinking out of existence don't touch the stuff if you can avoid it, it's pure shit
>>43749329 it's the only drug that >a) numbs the pain >b) actually lasts decently long >c) doesn't totally remove consciousness unless you really overdo it, which is easy to control >d) is really inexpensive and easily accessible
>>43749344 idk. some of us are born to suffer. but to be serious there are many that while they'll never will pass fully will be seen as feminine even by the haters, not talking pity passing but troon passing. and of course many troons are too self hating to see they pass better than they believe... >i wish I've never dumb wish. better knowing you aren't alone in feeling those things even if things are (partially) fucked?
>>43752823 i actually hate spending time with other people, being perceived is painful for me. i can cope at work because i just dissociate and focus on performing my role all day
>>43752886 totally get that they say to get out and do things, and what do those things give you?! people seeing you as something disgusting, something to be feared as a big strange man behaving not totally as an npc
fine, i mean i get the feeling, not that you are even close to a cryptid like me, not even suggesting that
>>43749754 Funnily enough I remember being 10 or 11 and already knowing I'd end up an alcoholic. Wasn't even peer pressured into it, just started drinking alone in my room out of my own volition. >>43752870 Would rather not say but I'm literally agp.
>>43743871 Someone with an irrational belief that they are destined for failure, somewhat to the point of narcissistic behaviour. "I'm a SPECIAL case, what works for these others, will NOT work for me. Woe is me.". Potentially competent but not driven. Rich inner world(i.e cope)
Good archetype to put into like the hero journey bit i guess.
>>43742720 this probably wont be helpful, but either way you gotta find a way to express boundaries to your parents. if you've already done this, just accept that fact that they might never love you again. my sister decided I was a fetishist (whatever that means) one day even though she was initially supportive; her brand of crazy. Ma and pa were abusive anways
Ngl it's extremely cringe to see anti-male / anti-incel trannies. Especially when they are non-passing or hon-adjacent. It's like a friend who drops contact with you the second they get a 5/10 gf, pathetic bucket crab behavior.
>>43756148 I agree, I think most sex havers (and i say this as one) really need to stop looking down on incels so much. I k ow how it feels and its not nice
>>43749727 i used to cope with gooning particularly anal gooning because y'know it's so fem and nice but it depends on psychological state and ever since i start poking some more psychologically anal poking doesn't feel so good anymore
>>43755976 i was a hardcore alcoholic until i read about how much alcohol contributes to visceral fat storage, which is part of what gives guys a gut. then again it also suppresses T so I guess YMMV
I wish I could've experienced highschool as a girl and had a boyfriend and had friends instead of being a shut in who choose not to go and will ever experience the warmth of another person without feeling repulsed.
>>43759878 implants or fat transfer are basically a requirement. literally every tranny with decent boobs is either obese or had work done. hrt does nothing proven true again
>>43757134 It's not illegal in the end up in prison way In 8 years I've gotten one love letter and zero police visits >>43758413 Okay fair but surely there's unemploymentbux >>43758699 That's cope and you know it nona I can afford ffs and I still can't get it bc I'll be homeless if I do, there's no winning for trannies but willingly masculinize is still dumb.
>have a nice time with visiting family members >after the event get a message from one of them >its a candid photo they took of me reading to my niece >look like absolute shit >day ruined >heart emoji the message while imagining hanging myself
>>43742482 hey gooners, I thought I'd come back and give you my month 4 hrt update (sorry I fell a bit behind). Anyways idk what to say I try not to obsess over what HRT is doing to me, and tbqh I think since I've been taking it I don't really care to pass or be a girl just that I want to be pretty/andro.... and I must say it's working really well for that purpose I've been stealth trooning on muh gf (cis) and she keeps saying my skin looks great, and that I'm pretty since like idk 1 month after I started. So, I think it's just making me objectively look better (to be fair I was already a long-haired pretty boy). Not much of a fan of the chest development tbf it's still in some kind of gyno stage, and not really booba I have a pretty wide chest, so I'm kind of hoping it'll just never really grow or look to big. Anyways so far no regrets at all tbqh I think it has been making me more attractive, and I can tell you I definitely suffer less cortisol spikes knowing I am no longer thinning (norwood 1.5 btw), and having my greasy ass face become non-greasy has been epic. If you are an actual prettyboy (ask claude, or chatgpt or some shit) I'd atleast reccomend taking it, if you are chad or ogre do not touch this shit. K bye!!!
>>43765571 I started hair loss meds at the same time, and she's only seen those, I could gaslight her, but tbf I haven't been shirtless around her since I started.
>>43765238 >If you are an actual prettyboy (ask claude, or chatgpt or some shit) I'd atleast reccomend taking it >if you are chad or ogre do not touch this shit. what if i'm just normal looking
>>43762138 it could be still embarrasing you could just try to cry to a psych but then the whole endo rigamarole and everything goes on your permanent record
>>43768913 Ive made peace with genital related dysphoria, but its pretty annoying when i was wearing a dress last Friday how i could see my raging bulge pretty obviously
>>43768998 They're not girls they're gay bottoms looking to fill a stereotype. Point being these people have a worldview where a masculine person or a tall person or someone with a large penis cannot take it in the ass.
>>43768913 I'm about top 5 to 10% and I feel completely neutral about it. If I could naturally look, sound, act, and thus be treated as a woman in every conceivable way without even trying BUT have to keep my penis, I'd be more or less fine with it. Maybe it's because I don't think about ever having sex, let alone reproducing? Both feel too alien to think about.
>>43760125 I am feeling surprisingly good for having been drinking and eating garbage all weekend. I partly want to quit while I'm ahead, and partly want to get another bottle of cheap wine...
>>43772213 Lucky, anytime I drink more than 2-3 drinks nowadays I feel godawful after it wears off. Still doesn't stop me from binge drinking, but it's not the same anymore.
>>43759633 >I wish I could've experienced highschool as a girl
Same but i did try my best to socialize and make friends with my limited social skills, i feel like all of my good actions would have been way more appreciated if i was a girl
My biggest gripe is that i saw cis women that constanly lied and betrayed people have way more friends than me, people just seemed to forgive them so easily
I just have this constant feeling that if i was a girl everyone around me would be happier and living better lives , i just wanted to see my good actions be more appreciated, as a male people just forgets i exist
>>43779396 Girl bullying is pretty rough though, I think the girls in school subconsciously figured out they could be mean to me like the other girls and they sting with venom. I also get that feeling that my presence makes females uncomfortable, but also im a load bearing member of my family and they need me to be strong and proud
>>43779396 You're delusional if you think it's easier. Being a girl means less choice in life, and obviously some people lean into that as a humiliation ritual and enjoy being useless with actions that don't matter at all. Look at your image, most would assume the woman is less capable less valuable but probably not even then because the man there is still too pretty and feminine and womanlike therefore his respectability is also revoked. Though I do feel similar to some extent like it's not socially accepted for me to care deeply about a man.
>see 4chan thread about topic I am interested in >get excited for a second >Remember the site is all bots and no one takes anything seriously so any discussion deeper than a puddle is pointless
I wish I had boobs and a fat butt and curvy figure.
>>43779647 Girl bullying is more consistent with corporate power plays and social games you'll be forced into later in life anyway, helps being trained for it All I got out of boy bullying is trauma, I can't use this experience for anything meaningful
>>43777921 I took it because a shrink prescribed me generic adderall for ADD when I was in high school. Didn't really help all that much and only continued taking it for as long as I did cause I was anorexic and afraid of gaining weight.
>>43776887 Kinda this for me. I used to have to really overdo it to get a hangover, but now it's a crapshoot. I can drink a few beers one night and feel awful the next day, another time binge for a weekend and feel fine, another time finish a bottle of wine and suddenly need a nap. Considering I'm in my late 30s, I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Probably all I'm doing is fucking up my liver enough that I can live painfully but hrt can't be an option... So like now basically...
I just bought a few dresses on Amazon. When they arive I can wear them for 20 minutes before I put them in the bin and go back to repressing again for another year.
>>43782789 At least you have a system. I recently ordered a pack of womens tank tops, as well as some spoolies and tweezers to get my eyebrows in order, and they got lost in shipping so Amazon refunded me. What does it mean bros? >>43782962 Where are you on the wheel?
>>43787866 i find that as you get older you begin to become more mellow, you realise that yes you probably missed out, but a lot of it is unavoidable and your task is really just to live the best life you can within your means.
>>43783281 >>43782789 i have shit from 10 years ago still hiding that i've carried across the country with me and back recently got a bunch of ill fitting tops and a wig
PSA: STOP POSTING HERE UNLESS YOUR GOAL IS TO TRANSITION
Identifying as a repper is just another form of trans identity. Commiserating and building a community with other reppers will only serve to keep reminding you of what you cannot have, and make your longing stronger. You should surround yourself with people of your own sex who you can admire and who can inspire you to enjoy your life as it is right now.
LAST CHANCE: Leave this place or any trans space, for that matter (and stop gooning to agp shit, for god's sake)
Should I become a father? There are a couple things preventing me. But maybe having a kid and getting them into Oxbridge would take my mind off repping
>>43789367 My repper gene comes from my mother's side. So I'm thinking it won't be passed on if I am male. The REAL problem I am thinking through is, how do I pass on the genetic material. Because I do not want to do PIV
>>43789929 I'm the same anon. I wasted my 20s so far hrtrepping because I'm too afraid of what my family might do. Trying to get my own place but it's so fucked.
>>43790053 You'd realise that hrt isn't enough quickly. HRT doesn't change as much as you'd imagine, it doesn't make you comfortable if you're still living the same uncomfortable life. It's better than masculinising but if you still live as a man then life is always a struggle.
If I fully understand and internalize that I have the spirit of a man, it should be easy to stop taking hrt. I will despise my body but that’s normal and also who cares. Trying to masquerade as a tranny is wrong.
i have fully internalised my male spirit but i find continuing hrt better suited for my brain and and body. so i'll just continue like that seeing women in pretty sundresses when it's hot and im dying of heat stroke kills me tho ngl
>>43790948 Idk anon I spent the last ten years giving up, a friend and I are gonna try do it though. Look up a guide maybe idk. It's about mindset if you look at good voices as a goal instead of something to envy you can do it.
I have been constantly thinking of shooting myself. I don't even know anyone who owns a gun. The idea just seems nice. I wish there was a way to sleep forever without bothering everyone.
I feel I have become fundamentally broken as a person. The pain of repression has caused me to slowly become less empathetic, less feeling, less of a human. I feel more able to work a job and be responsible, but am unable to cry anymore, unable to feel things the same way I used to when I hoped to transition. I was on HRT for many months, grew gross conetits, and had to stop. It's been over 3 years since then, the conetits remain, I bald more. I maintain no social life, my family worries for my isolation. I worry that even in the fantasy world where I could pass as a woman, I would never recover from the psychological damage of living my childhood up until now as a man. I am sick, and can't even be given the dignity to not be sad and sick while looking like an ogre. It was never worth continuing this life. I am more hateful over time, more unstable, there isn't really solid ground left. More than anything I'm exhausted.
no gay guy looks like me, no gay guy will like me. gay guys are also normal men with normally developed penises. should have been born a girl. hate being mommy's third hornomally and genetically feminized but not enough manchild
i really held onto my twink youthful appearance a lot, now almost 30 and looking at other 30 year olds and its like damn they look like full grown men. i still dont look that bad but i feel rough. ill obviously never look like a woman, i dont feel that way deep down. but i keep holding onto it, its like a fantasy even though it doesnt fit or make sense at all. i kinda have this new fantasy of just sucking it all up and going to work some very exhausting but satisfying job and just being like a typical male workaholic from now on. even the fantasy has gotten old now.
I never had twink life. I think never experiencing having a feminine appearance was for the best, I doubt I could handle losing it. Better to be a loser than a loser who used to be a winner.
The scene at the start of Dark Seed II where Mike screams at his reflection as it turns into a demon ts is literally me. This must be the first depiction of repping in vidya
>>43789100 I only come here. For basically any online interaction desu. This is the only place I can come. Every other space would be pinkpilling me or telling me I'm evil. That only happens in half the threads here.
I don't think I'm even a repper, but I do feel isolated in that everywhere on 4chan revolves around this male top sexuality. There's almost nothing that reflects the way that I'm attracted to men.
Probably a long shot, but is there any truth to the pimozide meme? Already on an ssri, would adding an antipsychoatic lobotomize my brain to the point where I don't care about any of this tranny stuff anymore?
>late 30s >shut-in besides work >know for sure i am a tranny >literally nobody knows i like men and am trans, repress and guard literally every part of myself >hollow shell of a person, no real friends, literally no one i feel i can trust >alcoholic >ugly as fuck and tall >at least own my house, but it makes me feel more trapped since still have debt and selling would be too expensive >literally no support network other than superficial family and friends, so nobody to really talk to about issues >won't use medical services despite living in a place with universal healthcare, work in healthcare and know how homophobic, transphobic and awful people in this system are >want to change jobs, but scared of retraining because of denbts, costs and having literally zero motivation due to hating every aspect of my own existence >haven't had sex in over two decades, crave intimacy but can't enjoy any of it anyway because i am repulsed by own body and furthermore can't be honest with partners happy pride to me
>>43804916 my only support network is my family (who are at least pleasant to me despite them for sure all being homo/transphobic) and i would definitely be marginalized and fucked over at work, which would mean i could potentially also lose my income.
>>43804997 sorry i didnt mean to be mean im nta but thats not transitioning, and its arguably worse than both transitioning and repressing. i wouldnt recommend this way of life to anyone
>>43805032 It sucks but at least I'm not growing old as a man. My cope is that I will not age until I finally make it (never happening) and that keeps me from what would have been the result of repressing fully (41)
>>43805101 Why are you speaking to "healthcare professionals"? DIY, my doctor asks me if I'm taking "other meds" sometimes, I smile and say no and that's the end of the conversation lol.
>>43804399 Hi me in the futu... Wait, nevermind, hi me right now. Hang in there fellow late 30s repper, if only so I don't have to be the only one of us here, and I'll do the same.
like, i do some fem things, like I shave off any hair beneath my brows, and I shape the brows too, i want to be a woman, i want to have a boyfriend again, but i'm still just so scared, I genuinely can't tell anyone except /repgen/ how i feel
>>43808333 You don't wanna go unless you really really have no other options. At best it's boring and unhelpful, and at worst It'll leave you traumatized.
not posting here for two weeks didn't fix me. i want a refund want to start cutting again for whatever reason been about 8 months because last time I fucked it up and got my arm way too deep. I thought it was super obvious but nobody's said anything until a bunch of people independently brought it up this week also can't stop crying randomly and that usually fixes it to a degree it's weird because i haven't really wanted to but now i just think about how pretty the blood looks and how nice it feels unfortunately summer so it would be far too obvious thank you for reading my blogpost >>43809935 i have decided it is t. 28
>>43810244 There is no too late bc you can always get surgery but for wanting to transition with minimum effort anything after like 12 is pretty rough. I have photos of myself at like 10 and it's already noticeable how much larger my.skull is than my sister.
>>43809935 i remember at 18 being like omg its too late, then i trooned at 25 anyway. so who cares if its too late, you wanna have a mental breakdown and troon at 35 nigga?
>>43814674 You might regret not transitioning You might also regret transitioning Almost like life is a never-ending stream of regrets regardless of what choices you make
everyone regrets their life, everyone, thats the truth of it. because you could have always done a million things differently. the only way to live is to commit fully to living right now, if ur gonna troon, then fucking troon all the way, if ur gonna be a man, then fucking be a man all the way. our suffering is because we dont know what to do and we just kind of drift afraid of being who we are.
>>43815322 My sister asked me if I wanted to be a woman over text once but I was just defensive. I had a goth phase and would push my luck with heels, makeup, etc for a bit before reality hit me. I think it was just that
how many days where you break down crying in a row before it becomes a problem >>43816935 >38 minutes i'm happy for you or sorry that happened >>43819197 yes it does plz don't nona