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I'll do my best to make this concise.
My ex just broke up with me today. We had been dating for three months and as far as I could tell everything was great. She was autistic so communication was key, despite this she isn't an obvious autist on our first date after talking for the first few hours I was surprised when she told me. Four days ago we had the closest we ever came to a "fight". It was my fault, I just picked her up for the day and was driving her somewhere. I asked if she wanted to stay at mine that night and she said no because she would have to get up early the next day. I got pissy about this and got very quiet and only gave short answers. About 10 to 15 minutes later I told her "I would have done it for you". I know, I'm a complete entitled dick (I have felt awful about it since before she broke up with me today). I apologized and we moved on. The rest of the day was a little awkward but seemed to be going okay.
Fast forward to the next day and I'm at work after dropping her home that morning, that whole day she doesn't contact me once. The day after she just messages me once to tell me she cannot met the next day when we had a date planned. The day after that again nothing. I had messaged her once or twice asking if she was okay but she left them on "read". This is extremely out of character we always message and call almost every day. Now onto today she messages me asking to meet up, her messages are short and to the point. During the drive there I thought she was going to break up, this silent treatment is exactly what I got before two other exs broke up with me.
We meet and I ask her after a very brief hello if she wants to break up, she says yes. She tells me numerous things that I have been doing to annoy/upset her over the last month or so. She said herself they were small things but they piled up. She said she thought to herself "If he he can't fix these small things how can he handle serious things".

>>34215525
I said before communication was important, as such I asked her every so often if everything was okay in the relationship, if I'm doing something wrong, if I make her feel safe or feel that I pressure her into anything. She always reassured me everything was great. One of the reasons I said that was to avoid this exact situation. We were also always very affectionate towards each other. Now however during this confrontation she was looking at me with nothing but contempt as if I has killed her cat. She said it wasn't working and that was that, there was zero compromise, no attempts to fix anything, no chances. She had come to the conclusion on her own the relationship couldn't work and that was that. At the end she abruptly stood up, said "I wish you the best" and walked off without a second glance.
I'm not really looking for any advice per say, I more want to vent. I know it was only three months but that isn't really the point I'm trying to get at here. This is now the third time an ex has reassured me everything is good only to turn around the next day and dump me while looking at me with near hate. I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up, every new relationship has me on my guard, making feel as if I need to be perfect because one slip up that I don't even know is a slip up could ruin everything.
I have thrown out everything I have that has a connection to her and I've removed her off any socials and removed her number from my phone, everything I have related to her is gone.
I just want someone who fill fight to be with me as much as I would for them.

How do I break up with a girl but in a way she doesnt tell everyone around her I suck or makes up horrible lies about me? I got to know someone close to her and would like to date her instead

>>34215596
It depends on the girl. The best thing you can do is try to end it as amicably as possible. Give some details on the relationship, does she have any idea something is up?

>>34215596
>I got to know someone close to her and would like to date her instead
How sure are you that that person wants to date you too?

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>>34215451
Take tongkat ali to raise your test. That way you have the balls to break up with her if that's the bottleneck.

Should I go no contact and what should I expect to feel if I do so.

He broke up with me. It's been about a month and a half and we're still talking but it's very clear I'm always hoping to hear from him and he responds when he gets to it. He says he's struggling with it too and I think he just feels bad he's not struggling in the way that I am because I don't want it to be over but he seems to think he made the right call. I've been doing a little better at it but I keep finding myself hoping he'll text me back, hoping he'll want to see me, manufacturing valid reasons to contact him so I get to have a little conversation with him. And it's driving me nuts. The concept that he could move on to someone else sexually when the idea of doing that myself sounds disgusting is really fucking with me too. Like, part of me wants to leave myself available as an option just so he doesn't find someone else but I know that's not good for me.
>>34215531
I feel like some people are just so happy to have someone and maybe like certain things about you a lot that at first they think the "little things that pile up" are no big deal, but then one day they look at the pile and go "fuck". Honestly sounds a little like bpd to flip on a dime like that and not just stop you right there in the car and be like "hey, no more of THAT" and proceed based on your response.

>>34215451
Ghost
Fadeout

She blindsided me by saying a coworker congratulated her on our relationship and that meant I told coworkers which was a boundary violation so she would never trust me again. Convo went nowhere

The thing is I never told anyone , so someone made something up and she refused to even communicate with me and blew it up. Im devastated. I know I did nothing wrong. But the frailty of relationships is getting me down. 4 in a row that ending badly.

Being emotionally aware and trying to have healthy values is hard when I keep being hurt like this

>>34215774
>Honestly sounds a little like bpd to flip on a dime like that and not just stop you right there in the car and be like "hey, no more of THAT" and proceed based on your response.
Yeah you may be right. Honestly I just wish she gave a fuck enough to actually give me a chance to fix the small things I didn't even know about

>>34216107
I've been through this a lot and see it a lot in social work. Not to pathologize, but the concept of splits helps give an easy way to learn about it. It isn't always cluster b shit though. A lot of people respond to discomfort by escaping. Most people wont actually be willing to put effort in and be willing to say 'i am or was wrong, and now i will be accountable'

So what you see a lot and sounds like your thing a bit, is that if you reflect on it, all the relationship challenges that were them making the oopsies and you being understanding for werent a problem. Because it was their fuckups that you soothed them through. But the second you make a 'mistake' that threatens their ego/ triggers guilt of shame reflex, they wont match what you did, they'll just leave.

The reality is, most women now are being conditioned through 'le society' to behave like a bpd partner would, putting you on eggshells, demanding perfection, and always having an exit plan ready. The relationships are onesided with the man doing all the emotional labour and effort as the regulator for a disregulated partner who is allowed to meltdown and fuck up regularly and uses her partner to enable it.

TLDR: reframe it. You did nothing wrong, there was nothing to fix, you did everything you could, if you actually did any more you would have completely abandoned your identity (a la what happens to bpdlovedones), and it's best that you instead see it as you did your best and it is best that it is over. You seem to be a good communicator, and probably will overcommunicate if needed, but you have to understand, that there's a point where you cant change their minds and control them by communicating more. You have to be willing to step back sooner and more intentionally and hold better boundaries so you dont attract people who do this. overcommunicator men are catnip for abusers/bpd/npd

>>34216161
>if you reflect on it, all the relationship challenges that were them making the oopsies and you being understanding for werent a problem. Because it was their fuckups that you soothed them through. But the second you make a 'mistake' that threatens their ego/ triggers guilt of shame reflex, they wont match what you did, they'll just leave.
Nta but I think this just happened to me with my bpd ex boyfriend. I used a lot of my own money to make him more comfortable, and to help him financially over the summer, but as soon as the situation changes and I haven't gotten hired fast enough (was going to interviews mind you) I'm a problem. Doesn't matter that I sunk like $3,000 into life with him that I didn't have to. I'm not worth that to him. And I didn't even ask him for any.

>>34216194
Yeah I mean the simplest way to look at that too is that you made his life easier. So that made you useful and worth him breadcrumbing you. And the second you stop making his life easier and needed him to start investing back, he replaced you. It's the simplest thing with a lot of people but BPD peoples' brains basically guarantees it will happen. Not if , when. Because adult life is about reciprocity, but they don't believe in that

It's also why marriage to bpd is so awful. They wont leave as soon because they know they can continue to bleed their partner dry knowing they can push harder into the helplessness without the partner leaving

>>34216213
Fuck.
And I don't even think he did it consciously. There was a point about 2 weeks in that I had some misgivings and wanted to pump the brakes and he FREAKED OUT and I convinced myself to just go for it against my better judgement. Let him love bomb me and did it right back trying to convince myself that I was just being anxious and everything would be fine.
Everything was not fine.

But yeah that's it in a nutshell. When I was a fun distraction or helpful he wanted me. And honestly me being helpful was something he didn't even want half the time.

I guess this is answering my post earlier about whether or not I should go no contact....

>>34216223
Hindsight is 20/20 but really, just go no contact and see if he reaches out. He wont , you know that. But also, dont beat yourself up. I had a bpd wife, it was hell. You slowly are conditioned to ignore the red flags, that's how the disorder works relationally.

I said it above, but it's that same idea of understanding that if you have good values and live them, then you probably did more than enough to foster a health relationship. It isn't your job to do more, or put more effort in. You don't even have to block, just stop making effort, stop feeding energy in. See if they actually genuinely show a pattern of investment into you without expectation. They never do, it's how bad partners are.

>>34216238
>He won't, you know that
I do. Or if he does it will be because he feels guilty and is worried I'm going to hurt myself not because he wants anything to do with me. It would be to ease his confidence not because he wants to talk to me. God fuck this I hadn't dated anyone in 5 years before this guy I'm going back to celibacy.

>>34216241
*conscience
Thank you very much useless phone

>>34215663
We already discussed stuff like relationship goals, long term plans and stuff and we're pretty compatible. We're pretty compatible, but this other person is basically my dream and very close to her. Every excuse I can come up with to break up will backfire I think, because she'll eventually tell the reason to this other person.

>>34215670
We had great conversations and she mentioned she's single and not seeing or talking to anybody, so I'm pretty sure that's the closest to a go sign I'll get.

>be me
>move states for my gf
>she can’t hold a job
>gets fired for being on her phone
>lies and says she quit because of hours
>mom calls her out for staying out late every night
>gf runs off to hang out with best friend constantly to “make memories”
>best friend’s 70yo mom starts texting my gf gossiping
>says I’m a bad bf and the reason my gf is jobless
>hopes my gf cheats on me with one of the friends from the group
>feel sick reading this
>literal elderly woman trying to sabotage my relationship
>gf texting her next to me, I accidentally see it
>confront gf calmly
>ask if she loves me and is loyal
>she says yes, apologizes, says I wasn’t supposed to see the messages
>no boundaries set on her end
>best friend plans an out of state trip for her bf’s birthday
>now gf wants to go
>brain spirals wondering if she’ll cheat
>everyone around her encouraging irresponsibility and chaos
>I’m here stressing about the future while she avoids adulthood
What the hell do I even do now?

>>34216161
Definitely get what you're saying
One thing I don't think many people understand about relationships. Strong relationships are created through working through hard times together, not by enjoying good times together. If she had been fair and did like she said she would, instead of coming determined to break up but to have a serious discussion of what needs to change, our relationship would've evolved and been stronger for it. People and relationships are like steel, we are forged in fire, not comfort

>>34216557
100% Anon. And the older I get the more I realize that comes back to values-type stuff as well. I try to be a good person, I try to have pro-social values, I try and be a person who loves and cares for all people. And that feeds into my relationships whether partner, or family, or work, etc. I balance boundaries with still being the person who steps up to go to battle for myself and others.

And it can be a lonely thing because you do have to cut a lot of people off who are unhealthy, but I'd rather be a bit lonelier but true to living like a hero would. I want to be superman in all the ways that matter, and that means being sacrificing some unhealthy relationships to never let myself by subsumed by an abuser again and let the world lose my sunlight

>>34216107
It has nothing to do with the small things, you sound insufferable with the way you phrase things. Extremely immature and unable to process your emotions in a healthy man

Breakup general aka “my partner was just the worst and I gave them so much wahhhh”
Do some self reflection faggots

>>34216608
Thanks for your help

>>34216643
It’s the truth. You can write another 4 posts about how you wish she had given you a chance when the simple fact was that you acted like a child when she said she couldn’t stay the night. If you want to change, you can only control yourself. But, like the majority, you’ll blame external factors for your conditions

Breaking up is like the hardest thing in the world but also the easiest. It often just kind of happens and then time passes.

>>34216705
Sums it up with divorce. One of the worst pains because it feels like losing someone on the same tier as a parent, and then after a few months you forget they even existed. The brain does wonder repressing painful stuff. It also makes it dangerous because we forget how shitty someone was

>>34216731
Yeah, that's very true. To go on, it feels like losing a loved one to death mixed with becoming confused about the identity of that loved one. Fears about the future and sadness over the wasted past.

Relationships are bad

>>34216439
Break up kick her out of your life, you deserve better anon

how do I get a divorce in the US and how do I stop her from saying no this time

Debating breaking up with my gf of 2 years. We love each other so much and it's hard to imagine being with anyone else. She's the best I've ever been with. But it's coming down to a couple things: I don't use any drugs and recently, she has been taking edibles and smoking, which I don't like, and I've talked to her about. She has some mental health issues that I can't really help her with, and she won't seek professional help despite my encouraging.
And the big one--when got together, I thought I could go either way on having kids. She has always wanted a kid. But as time passes I am having more and more doubts about having a kid. I feel like she romanticizes it a bit and doesn't really unpack what it means to be a parent day to day. I live with chronic pain which is a big hassle, and I can't imagine how having a kid will work with that.
At the end of the day, I think I am having trouble figuring out my purpose in life. I think it's finding romance, friendship, and service to others. I don't know if a kid fits in that plan. When we're together, things are so good that it's really easy to push all these thoughts out of my head and enjoy the moment.
My fear is that if I break up with her, I will never find someone as good as her again. Maybe I'll change my mind about kids and she'll already have a family with another man. But I am equally scared that we will marry, have a kid, and I will hate my life. Any anons experienced something similar?

>>34220655
This is the most faggot reddit post I have ever read on this godforsaken site.
>i love her
>but she does the most mild and minor drug in the world
>i can't accept that she smokes and i dont
>she wants kids
>I thought i might but now i don't
>what about muh hedonism?
>using the word "unpack"
>muh therapy
>muh chronic pain
>muh meaningless life
>muh FOMO
>what if I break up w her to pursue mindless self-indulgence and then regret it?
>what if noone else wants a faggot retard redditor spaz like me?

r/relationships is that way, faggot. Kindly consider suicide on your way out

>>34220668
I am a fed and can't live in a household with illegal drugs. it would be an issue if we moved in together. when did I say anything about hedonism? if anything her drug use is hedonistic. it is agonizing to wake up and live in pain every single day. maybe you will understand when you are older and your body starts to break down. it really affects how you make decisions. God forbid I have the same struggle as every one else to figure out the purpose of my life. at least I am sincere, go fuck yourself

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>gf, love of my life, broke up with me
>took me a while to accept it
>finally do, say goodbye, but can’t bring myself to block her
>instead just mute/archive it
>still carry the smallest hope she’ll say “no wait please!”

How do I stop myself from being tempted to check? It’s hard for me to get over it because I’ll never score someone more attractive, she was an actual model, gymnast, dancer, pianist…

>had 7 past gf's
>always been told "she'll regret it and reach out"
>they have literally never tired to get in contact after it's ended
I must be a really terrible person

>>34221966
Did you want to hear from them? Why? And if so, why didn’t you reach out to them?

I broke up with my ex about 3 months ago now. It was long distance. She was the most incredible woman I'd ever met. Claimed she was separated from her husband and going to get divorced to be with me. Months went by. Then years. It was never going to be what I needed. It was an affair. I'm ashamed I fell for it. She strung me along and eventually started getting really controlling and passive aggressive and started fights over everything. My mental health was so bad I was afraid I was going to lose the job I spent 15 years trying to get. I had to cut it off. It started off as the best relationship I've ever had. She was incredible. I'll never know how much of it was sincere or a performance to be "the perfect woman." I think about her every day. I miss her. I got drunk and wrote her a letter I'd never send. Then last night I dreamt she came back and I handed it to her and everything was okay. Then I woke up. I've been fucked up over it all day. I hate being alone and hopeless.

>>34215451
Debating it, desu. Was close distance beforehand but ended up having to move for a job opportunity. It was good overall. But I have an inkling that it was infatuation with a new relationship or whatever it's called. Before moving to long distance, it was good. Had sex regularly enough, some hiccups, wanted to be around her, etc.

Now, a little over a year later, it has become a bit troubling. Long distance makes everything much harder, and I am very apathetic towards a lot of things. I see a lot more of the issues. Differences in beliefs, lack of sexual intimacy, and it feels like a chore to call. A similar thing happened in my last relationship, but I let it last 3/4 years before pulling the plug.

It could also be that I started gooning a lot again due to the lack of sexual intimacy and distance. Which probably doesn't help. At the same time, she does seem to actually love me, despite having a bit of a past.

After 7–8 months of no contact, my ex reached out around my birthday with a video call and warm messages, saying she had been thinking about me and wanted to talk. That reopened emotions I thought were already resolved.

Around Christmas, she contacted me again, wishing me well and saying she had many things she wanted to share but didn’t know where to start. Even say hugs and kisses to me.The communication stayed inconsistent, with long gaps and no clear intention.

Not long after, I discovered on insta she is now seeing someone else, an old friend she knew before our relationship. That confirmed what I had suspected.
This guy probably snaked his way in after or even before the break up.

I’m not looking to reconcile and I’m dating someone new and better, but I’m struggling to understand why she reached out emotionally if she had already moved on. I’ve muted her and I’m moving forward, but what does she want? Why waste time like this? I don’t get this mentality.

>>34220762
Just forget about her anon and move on, even if she contacts you it’s not going to be great, trust me. 90% it ends up with more pain, what do you think will happen if she does contact you ?

>>34221966
Much better

Ive been trying and failing to break up with this girl for months, possibly a whole fucking year. I broke up with her twice and we always end up getting back together.
I constantly feel like I'm wasting my fucking time with her. She demands so much from me and I'm just constantly exhausted. I also find 90% of the shit that she says annoying. She mostly talks about social media and reality TV, sometimes anime.
But when I think about the fact that I have to break up with her, my anxiety spikes and I just can't fucking do it. It took me months the last time I actually managed to verbalize it to her that I wanted to break up with her. Only to get back together like a week later.
Why am I like this? I genuinely don't get it. I don't really appreciate her presence, I don't feel the need to have sex regularly (and we don't anyway), yet, there's just something about her that keeps me in this miserable relationship. Maybe I feel bad for her, so I stay. She comes from massive poverty and her brother killed himself. And her mom is a crackhead.
Maybe deep down I like some idealized version of her. Even though the real her drives me fucking nuts and drains my wallet and my life. I still don't know how to convince myself to break up with her. I don't want to marry this woman.
Help?

>>34224645
I checked and her message was a mix of “no wait please” and “but breaking up IS the right thing to do even if it’s so painful”

>>34216241
Well I did it. I still have to see him again so we can get stuff back to each other but I'm officially done texting him. Going no contact after necessary things are taken care of. And he doesn't even seem that sad which fucking kills me. I wish I could just be angry it would make this so much easier for me. Why didn't I just leave after that shitty conversation 2 weeks in why did I allow myself to get attached and waste nearly a year on this when I should have just fucking killed myself last January. I still can but now I feel like I need to wait a while so he doesn't feel responsible.

>>34224343
It means her new partner is unreliable and is priming you in case it goes sour. Don't look too much into it, you're her back up in her eyes, and she doesn't really care for you - if she did she would not reach out.